Melissa hates talking about herself. In fact, she hates being in the spotlight at all. If she had her way, she’d be like Jane Austen publishing her debut novel with the anonymous byline of “By a Lady.” Can’t she be more like Jane Austen? Why do you want to know anything about her anyway? That’s weird. You’re weird.

Fine, if you must know anything about her, here are some things you weirdos might find interesting:

• Melissa is a thirty-something writer with delusions of grandeur and an unhealthy obsession with glitter. She will be distracted by shiny objects.

• Melissa has a totally healthy obsession with cats. There’s nothing wrong with liking cats as much as she does. Just be cool about it.

• Melissa went to college. She’s a nerd like that.

• Melissa’s first story was written on her mother’s typewriter when she was five or six years old, and was weirdly centered around a haunted cheese wheel. Don’t worry, we’re confused, too. (No, the evidence did not survive into adulthood.)

• Melissa’s been writing practically her whole life, but you’ll have to be the judge if she’s any good at it. Just don’t tell her if you think she isn’t, or she’ll cry. Don’t make Melissa cry.